Aged Musician
Musings of an aged musician

WOW. This is one of the funniest posts I’ve seen on Craigslist musician section. I have definitely seen some wacky requests for band mates but the following take the cake. Do these people actually think anyone would want to be in their band? I am not going to correct the grammar cause that’s part of the hilarity. Enjoy!

1. I have been in the music community for many years now, and have seen my share of oddness (and possibly a few others’ share as well). I now share with you some of my favorite band classified ads.

2. We are a 3 Piece Gutter Punk band searching for a singer ala GG Allin. Must be able to get into the performance 100%. You must be ok with vomiting/defecating onstage and then smearing it on your body or throwing it at the audience.
No creeps, or poseurs.
Ask for Dave

3. Rythim guitarst seeking working cover band for gigging. If you need a Rythim guitarist who puts the emphasis on Rythim , I am the guy for you. Rythim is my life and I have focused on being a Rythmic player and not just a wannabe Lead guitarist. I will definitely be a big asset to your band with my style of Rythim guitar.

4. Mature professional Songwriter with industry contacts, is looking for female teenaged pop-goddess singer. You must be between the ages of 16 and 21, physically fit and attractive enough to appeal to the younger generation of fans. I have worked with a lot of female vocalists who have gone onto mega-stardom. Unfortunately, my personal rehearsal/recording studio is under renovation, so ideally we can just meet at my apartment, have a few drinks and talk about why I should choose you . Please send pictures (in several poses) with your reply, so I know you have what it takes and are serious.

5. Hey there bros! I’m a young but capable guitar player looking to jam with other chill, open minded dudes. I’m a really easy going and laid back kind of guy and dig ALL kinds of music. I wanna hook up with other guys into just jamming and chilling out (possibly with some 420 hehehe). Hit me up and we’ll get together and create. Oh yeah, by the way, none of you fuckers into death metal and other fucking shitty stuff like country and western should e-mail me EVER. You can all go and fucking die, for all I care. Peace.

6. BATTLE OF THE BANDS!!!!! — We are accepting spots for 5 bands to play our annual BATTLE OF THE BANDS COMPETITION. Due to complaints received about issues from last year, bands will NO LONGER be judged on the amount of tickets they pre-sell!! Door staff and bartenders have been instructed to ask patrons buying at-the-door admissions and drinks which band they are there to support. The band with the greatest combined pre-sell, door purchase and drink purchase total will be the WINNER!!! Grand Prize is $300 CASH and a recorded copy of their “winning” performance will be given to the band AND forwarded on to a MAJOR label for consideration!! DON’T MISS OUT!!! APPLY TODAY!!!

7. Major Label $$igned band with record contract is seeking a hot, shredding lead guitarist. You must be 100% on top of your game. We have pro skills, pro gear pro attitude, you should too! You will be expected to learn our set list within 2 weeks, before we embark on our headlining European tour next month. When we return we will be recording a full length CD at a major recording studio, which will be released nationally with support videos on all the major outlets (MuchMusic, MTV etc.). If you want to be part of the next big thing, please reply asap! Do not reply to this e-mail as I do not have access to a computer. Please call at the below number and ask whomever answers to come up to my room and get me.
Tommy

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